Whatever's Clever

Finally I have completed my M.A.  Took much longer than I thought but then again who can guess how these things may turn out.  I am relieved, tired, and a little happy but I know I have a lot more to go.

So I am minding my own business about to fall asleep and I get an IM from a name I do not recognize.  He asks how I'm doing blah blah... and he realizes... oh you don't remember me do you? Probably cause you talk to so many guys cause you are hot.   Well thanks   So I tell him to refresh my memory, he says he is a stripper/dj... 29 yr old male.  Still isnt ringing any bells to me.  So I said a pic would probably jog my memory, obviously I talk to too many random people.  He sends a pic and now I remember he is some average guy that I talked to before and I probably got bored with cause there werent any sparks in the conversation.  I dont recall him saying he was a stripper before and wonder how in the hell is he a stripper cause he isnt in shape or cut or any of those things a good stripper does make.  So I immediately loose interest in this conversation, but he continues... he asks, do I want to see a pic of him in action?  I'm like sure whatev... figuring it will be some lame pic in a g-string or thong, something else of that nature that he shouldnt be wearing cause he is not built like any stripper I know...

This m-fer sends me a pic of his junk... WTF? I was like umm no thanks, you said in action not your junk... and I wouldnt send that pic around if I were you.  That pic was nothing to talk about and if I ever hired his ass to strip for me best believe I would be getting my money back and he would be getting 0$ in tips.  He apologizes and says well I asked you if you wanted to see me in action.  I was like I expected to see dancing not a close up pic of your junk... and good to know you have time to take pics while you are "stripping" and since when do male strippers go completely nude.  This fool says at private parties he does and that one of his clients took that pic... and I'm thinking, probably to show her friends cause she couldnt believe this fool is stripping with that kind of equipment.  So I ask him, so you are that close with your clients that they take pics of your junk and send them back to you????  Plus I dont see what the fuss is about anyway... then he asks, what do you mean by that?  I dont answer and just say good night... I'm tired and I dont like to kill dreams right before I go to bed, makes me uneasy lol ...

I really really hate uncertainty... I am trying to learn to get use to it... and to deal with it in a healthy way.  That all uncertainty isnt bad and that it does not necessarily lead to bad consequences.  My uncertainty avoidance is the worst with relationships...

In stage two, women tend to sabotage relationships in the following ways:

• She pursues too much.
• She panics and assumes that she has done something wrong.
• She feels obligated or pressured to give too much- emotionally, mentally & physically!

In the uncertainty stage, when a woman doesn't understand where a man is coming from, she may panic. She may wonder why he is no longer coming on strong like in the attraction stage. This is the exact point where a woman has to completely resist the urge to pursue him. She has to give him the space to pull away so that he will become even more interested in her.

Um can I say that is totally me... I am currently thinking I have done something wrong when I know I havent and then usually I start seeking reassurance that everything is fine instead of stepping back.  Many of my friends have told me that they believe he really likes me from his actions yet somehow I feel he is pulling away, which may be true...

I guess I have to give him time and myself... still working on relaxing obviously

If only I could make this available to private readers lol I would tell all my wonderful friends this my raunchy hilarious story from this weekend.  Unfortunately, you will get the G-rated version.

So the boy texted me this friday.  I was presently surprised.  After giving up on hearing from him, he hit me up asking what we were getting into that night.  Thank god I already had made plans with my friends.  As my male friend suggested, I lived my life not waiting to hear from him.  We met up and had an awesome time dancing and tonight we had dinner.  Although I was my usual awkward self, I was much more open and honest than I have been on most dates where I'm attracted to the guy and I feel good about that.  I also feel good about his reaction to my bluntness and attitude, he seemed to blow it off and not take it to heart.  Right now I really like the dynamic we have and will continue to try to have fun without a bunch of expectations on what is going on.  I enjoy his company and think he is adorable, all I need to know right now.

I am coming to grips with the fact that I am a control freak.  I used to think I was just really laid-back and chill... in fact I still am, with things that are of no consequence to me or that I feel I can't control anyway.  Everything else, I am determined to exert my force in any way possible regardless of how disillusioned it may be to believe that I can cause anything.

With men... I met a boy at a bar and we have been texting back and forth and met up the Sat. before last.  My guy friend has told me to stop texting, just don't do anything love your life and let him come to you.  I am having such as hard time accepting this.  I want to text and this urge is the equivalent of  "Heeeeeeey... remember me?  I'm still alive... over here!"  It's like I make them pursue me but at the same time I'm on a platter with a big red arrow above my head saying "I'm right here!" 

I need to allow the man to find out if he really likes me.  Maybe then I won't be so surprised when things end, I will see it before it comes through their actions.  Plus, I probbaly make things to easy... in my complusive need to control the situation I make sure they know I'm interested, which takes out the work for them.  Then don't have to worry or work for my affection, they already have it.  So I am working hard to not contact him or just say hello... and if I dont hear from him its ok.  Maybe I will learn to let go a little.

I am about to finish my Masters.  It seems like forever.  My advisor has finally let me know that I can schedule my defense, so for all intended purposes I will have my M.A. before Christmas... yay!  Maybe I should get a fu man chu mustache and ponytail, cause I'm the master!  For those of you not familiar with the reference....



Now, when I say, "Who's da mastah?" you say, "Sho'nuff!"