All he did today was take things I had told him in confidence, in a vulnerable state... when I loved him... when I trusted him with my heart... used those words to try to kill me... to destroy me

 

It made me think of this song... and the lyrics in bold... you should never do that... to take things given to you out of trust and turn them on someone like a dagger... I am not in love... In fact I cant help falling out...

 

All you did was succeed in killing any part of me that cared about you Christopher...

Stang told me men are like jeans... sometimes they don't fit...

 

Well honestly,I dont feel like I've been trying on jeans... its like I try them on and they fit for a min only for me to find out they were never jeans at all! They were a button down shirt I stuck my legs in... or better yet I didnt have jeans on at all... kinda like the emperor's new clothes...

 

More or less saying that most have represented themselves one way only for you to find out that they weren't that at all... are there no sincere geniune males left?

 

I dont necessarily believe that, I have had the chance recently to talk to some males that seem quite cool... that I want to get to know more, but down the road who know what they will turn into... a white straight jacket?

Feeling slightly better... thank you all for being there...

 

Trust my gut... I will... it may not be correct (somehow I'm convinced deep down he is with someone, somewhere he broke my trust severely but whatever) but I guess basically its telling me he is not my present (one of the guys I met this weekend... married... said he may be my future, who knows I guess), and to go on about my life...

 

Thats what he's doing, its working for him...

 

He was willing to loose me... so I believe he cared, but I guess maybe not enough? Due to circumstances maybe? I dunno... either way thats reality and I need to do a better job of doing the same...

 

The best way I assume would be to focus my attention on school or a new boy... that's usually what gets me through... the endless supply of random encounters with strange men that amuse you all so...

 

I need to do a better job of visiting   I miss so many of you...

Something just doesnt feel right... I feel like I'm getting played, but I'm not positive... I just can't shake this feeling

 

which is also one of my big fears, getting played... figuring out later that everything was a lie, a joke to them... which actually happened to one of my friends, where she found out her bf was living a completely different life, dating several other females... and none of us saw it coming... we all thought he was great... in hindsight she sees things but at the time... even some of our friends with the best intuition and great judges of character were fooled...

 

There is an explanation for everything, but the way some things were handled changed how I thought about things and how I thought he felt...and its very hard to believe and I dont want to believe that I am dealing with that type of person, but somethings never seem to add up... its not ORTHOGONAL... how you like that sh*t huh?  Throwing in some of my stat terminology... what now b*tches!

 

It may be me, cause I've been deceived so many times that its hard for me to believe that people are completely honest with me... even my friends sometimes... is it me? opinions are appreciated folks....

So we went out last night... and got quite drunk listening to 80s music for the firstthree hours... we started drinking at 5 meaning I was drunk by 11pm...

 

The music was cute, but wasnt getting us hype... so we ran in the cold to the next bar in the cute way girls do... I know this because when we got into the next bar we were approached by a guy who apparently saw us and commented about it was a $750 fine for us to cross the light rail tracks like that... but we didnt get caught, and of course it gave him an opener to come talk to us... he should be thankful...

 

So Galloway as he calls himself introduced us to his friends... and continues to yell Galloway in a very loud deep vioce during the night...which I thought was suspect... along the lines of MJ calling himself the "king of pop" just doesnt mean as much when you say it yourself...

 

So we end up hanging with him and his friends... dancing up stairs and being amused by his antics... quite tall, cute, but dorky sort of fella, kinda like me i guess... and his friends were attractive also just not as goofy so it was a great balance of the two... he stood out the most cause uhhh he was the loudest and craziest... I had a good time... but someone who will remain nameless left without telling me!  You are lucky I dont feel like beating your ass! LOL

 

*sigh* shopping is very theraputic when you mess up... I found a dress that makes me look like have curves for days!!!!!  Love it, hopefully I'll have somewhere to wear it soon... if someone takes me out

 

Another good thing from my break up is it jump started my weight loss... I lost like 5lbs in one week... I had so much anxiety and nervousness... maybe cause I knew what was going to happen that I couldnt eat...

 

Sometimes I wonder ( razy thoughts coming) am I not good enough to find someone that makes me happy?  Someone that wants to be with me so much they cant imagine life without me? Am I not cute enough, secure enough, whatever it is that allows others to have something that I've only hand in my grasp for a short time... only to lose it every time... do I not have?

 

We walked by jewelry today, me and my friend from school, and I can't even imagine anyone asking me to marry them... like deciding I'm it and going through with it... I thought the human cold sore would... I think he would now... he's realized that he lost something very special and that he may not find it again... at least not with me... I think my friends would boycott the wedding if I got back with him, but thats the closest thing I've ever had...

There must be such a thing as men's intuition... not that they ise it often... or even know how to properly weild as we do... probably because they dont spend as much time using... as most are killing brain cells with beer and running into each other in some form or fashion... but it seems like guys can smell out your relationship status...

 

When I first got into that relationship, I swear its as if I sent out smoke signals... every mofo i had dated at least once in the past year rung my phone... to catch up, to go for a drink... and of course I declined being lovestruck... I guess thats one of the things I can thank that relationship for... helping to give me a reason to weed out most of the people I probably shouldnt be entertaining in the first place for some reason or another...

 

So now that we have broken up... interest is peaked again, but different people... I'm not even really putting myself out there yet... as I havent had the energy to be social... my friend at school Mr. C has stood by the idea slight disinterest is a turn on... I'm starting to believe that

 

 

Here a story I didnt tell you... some time in Oct or Nov I believe I went out with my school people to a bar downtown...something about that group makes me super outgoing... maybe because hardly any of them are and of course in the style of me and suzy if there isnt shit going on we'll start are own to entertain ourselves.  Anyways... I went to the bathroom, and on my way back this man put out his arm to stop me... well since I was already tipsy I figure what the hell... let's hear nim out...

 

Told me he had been watching me for awhile and he knew I would eventually go to the bathroom and had been planning to stop me (slightly stalkerish, but whatever) so I started talking to him we had somethings in common but man, this dude was too argumentative... I felt like he was trying to prove how smart he was by being difficult... I ask the man his age he wouldnt tell me... stating " what does it matter? if I act 35 then isnt that all you need to know?"  Of course not if you are 20 and act 35... well maybe you are super mature and that is cool, if you act 35 and youre 50 we have a problem... anyway he was getting on my bad side... which isnt what you want to do fellas... just a note... So the waitress comes by and he leaves me for a min to talk to her about his tab... while he does that I yawn... and this beautiful man at the other table says "putting you to sleep huh?"  which I thought was funny... so I start talking to him since old dude hasnt come back... mind you I am still slightly drunk... apparently while I'm talking homeboy comes back and is watching this unfold... basically I switched camps and continued talking to this guy who was more laidback, cool, and confident...I stand at him table he offers me food and we chit chat, all the while (guy number 2 told me later) the first guy is just watching... then the first guy leaves kinda signaling at me on his way out the door and I drink some beer with guy number 2

 

It made me laugh how I just changed convos... but something about the boldness of the second guy appealed to me... I mean to be able to catch my attention after seeing me hold a conversation with someone else AND give him my phone number was quite impressive... needless to say guy number one never called... but I talked to guy number 2 for awhile... but there is a whole nother story behind that... I'll share that later LOL

So we broke up... easy come easy go... not so upset about the break up but about several things that proceeded it... not worth mentioning...

but it was probably good that those precusors occured cause all it did was prepare me for the inevitable

I will never doubt my gut again...

Now I have one foot in the boys suck camp and one foot out... now that I have broken up with one found a couple others right after...

 

yes men, you are incredibly replaceable... just how you do... we do too... and when you disappear for weeks and or days... and you are expecting us to still be there right where you left us... get a reality check... cause when one of you steps away I move to the next in line... you snooze you loose... and I always have a bench

 

until I find the person that makes me stop searching